The Part Where I Start Thinking About Goodbyes

Some thoughts on leaving, crying fully clothed in a bathtub, and staying in it.

Writing last week’s newsletter was a dream. For the past year of my life I have fixated on one goal: to figure out how to buy a house in Nashville.

Getting to say out loud—to a newsletter of people who don’t mind listening to me talk—that it had finally happened, that the dream had been realized, felt like magic. 

The rest of the week, however, was not the dream I initially imagined it to be. Buying a fixer-upper seems glamorous in theory, and I’m sure later after I have functioning floors and the walls aren’t leeching years of cigarette smoke stains through two layers of Kilz it will feel more sparkly. For now, though, I know that buying a fixer-upper is a lot of work. 

I am excited to do the work, but as of right now I am sitting almost 900 miles away wrapping my life in Austin up, and the work on our beautiful mess of a house is being project managed diligently by our friends in Nashville. 

So today, I want to begin to talk about endings. 

I’ve driven away from a city I cherished once, leaving friends behind shooting off fireworks in our honor on the road in front of the first house I ever loved. 

As soon as we hit the highway on the first day of 2015 I felt the weight of leaving. 

Then we drove halfway across the country to Austin, TX.

I set up my adult life here. I came into my consciousness here. I went through my Saturn return here. I began the lifelong process of deconstructing my evangelical upbringing here. I learned how to be a friend. I learned how to be a part of a family. I learned to heal. I loved here, lost here, and learned the type of knowledge that spending the bulk of your twenties in a new city, trying desperately to find yourself, teaches you. 

It’s curious to begin to think about leaving again. 

The last time I left I was in denial. 

It was New Year’s Eve, and I didn’t want my friends to see me cry so as Pitbull sang before the ball drop, I snuck into the upstairs bathroom of 1114 Ashley Drive to cry alone. I set down on the closed toilet to cry and over my own tears I heard wimpers from the closed shower in front of me. I opened the curtain and my friend Ryan was standing in the dry tub, fully clothed, sobbing. I stepped in and we hugged until we could dry it up and go ring in the New Year with friends who we knew were family.

I know now how hard it is to drive away from friends you love and a place that has held you while you were shaped into the person you’ve become. As the moving day approaches, just over a month away now, I am having trouble processing how to leave. I find myself crying over tiki drinks to friends trying to express just how much I love them and just how much they’ve meant to me and how much they always will mean to me even when I’m not a three minute drive away. 

A few months ago, I had a panic attack about moving. I started thinking about how happy I’ve been here in Austin, how my capacity for happiness and joy has increased since I moved here. The thought of leaving, and the pain I know it will cause me, made my nervous system crash. It made me want to withdraw and hide. 

As I think about moving, and leaving Austin (though I will visit frequently), I am challenging myself to stay as present as my body will let me. I am throwing myself into a season of loving as hard as I can, showing up to plans, lingering even when I should be packing.

I know you cannot have joy and love without running the risk of pain.

As the days dwindle down, I hope to greet each one with openness and acceptance, and when the pain comes, I will thank it. 

It is an honor to love something so much that you’ll miss it.

READING: Fran’s Joy Digest

WATCHING: Shrill, Season 3

LISTENING: to a lot of Abba. And Lorde.

THINKING ABOUT: How I didn’t know I could buy a house until I started the process. If you’ve got any questions, feel free to reach out! If you’re looking to buy or sell a house in Austin, you should talk to my friends at Open House Austin. They’ve hooked me up with a sweet landing page because I’ll be talking about house stuff a lot.

BUYING: Looking at and drooling over tile from Clay Imports.

HOUSE STUFF: If you’re thinking about buying a house sometime soon, don’t hesitate to reach out to me! They have a free webinar coming up and you can sign up here, or if you’re interested in taking their Homebuying E-Course Homeschool you can sign up here.

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