I’ve been re-evaluating my understanding of who I am in the past couple of months, even before the grief that has swallowed me up in these past few weeks. I’ve been working on a website redesign for my photography services, as well as a redesign of this newsletter to prepare for another push for paid subscribers which will be coming soon (if you want to get ahead of that and support an independent newsletter publisher you can upgrade your subscription here.)
Winter always does this to me, too. It requires me to slow down, take a good long look in the mirror, and evaluate what’s worked in the last year and what hasn’t. Usually this happens around the new year, in time for all the big introspection content, but it didn’t really happen to me like that. It took me some time to address the pain I entered 2024 with because I was pretty numb to it at the start of the year. If I’m honest I spent New Year’s Eve crying over this realization, completely sunk. I found myself mourning for the girl that started out 2024. She felt very lost, and she didn’t even know it. Looking back at photos of the past year made me feel sad, but I watched myself come back into myself. I became less numb last year. I addressed a lot of things that weren’t working in my life, and I ended the year in a much better place than I started it. I watched the ice that surrounded me melt.
I started this year completely thawed out, in touch with my emotions, ready to get to work. I knew I would spend the first couple of months of the year re-evaluating my understanding of self.
I would say, and this is no exaggeration, many people I know are in the boxing ring with their backs against the ropes right now. The first couple of months of this year have been so full of loss for so many people in my orbit, myself included. There’s an overwhelming note of feeling totally lost, which is why I feel compelled to continue to write through this, even if what I have to share feels kind of sad sometimes. Graciously many of you have reached out to tell me that you like hearing about grief too, which is a reassurance that I need. If you find yourself feeling similarly unmoored, looking for yourself and putting pieces back together then perhaps these questions could help, as they have really helped me this week.
How would you introduce yourself to a person with no concept of you at all?
I’m Chelsea Francis and I am a photographer and creative director. I also write a newsletter called Pretend it’s a Newsletter where I talk about big emotions, pop culture, books and general life enjoyment. I live and work in Nashville, but I also work in Austin often. I am fascinated by the ways in which people work (particularly for themselves), and I love helping create systems and streamline processes that free up time to have more fun. I’m writing a book. In my spare time I like to make things with my hands. In the past this has included pottery, knitting hats and scarves, and sewing. I love going for walks, listening to the same five albums, and making big dinners for friends. I see a lot of movies and read a lot of books. I cry often, and love hard. My second home is in a body of water, and if you’re local to Nashville I might meet with you to talk marketing in the pool. If you find me at a party, after a glass of crisp cold wine or a margarita you’ll probably tell me something you’ve never told anyone before or we might just talk about our relationships with our moms. My friends mean the world to me and I’ve seldom met a stranger.
What do you want?
Fries for the table.
What do you like?
Stories that feel like looking in a funhouse mirror. Science fiction. Being honest with myself and with God. Swinging for the fences.
How do you rest?
Ahhh… the million dollar question. I do not rest well, but I’m learning.
Reading an entire book in one sitting on a couch with endless cups of decaf coffee
Being at the swimming pool for two or more hours
Walking further and further on the same trail
Cleaning my house and doing home projects to make it a little better
Laying in the sun on a picnic blanket without being bothered by bugs with a snack lunch (apple, almond butter, garlicky popcorn, some cheese and some meats, crispy sparkling water, chocolate covered pretzel)
Tacos + a Mexican Coke
Being near the ocean for a couple of days with no schedule
Going on a trip then taking the first night of the trip to order Pad Thai and watch tv in a hotel bed
Walking around the mall (thanks to Garrett Mireles and Abbey Chiavario for this new joyful activity)
Favorite meal?
A few of note:
Tucker’s lasagna which is really Julia Turshen’s A good lasagna.
Something with a heap of braised cabbage that’s just starting to burn.
A steak, a caesar salad, miso chili crisp sweet potatoes, and garlic bread.
What’s a memory that you love revisiting?
Getting off the train in Paris and walking to my hotel, my first time traveling internationally alone. Then walking all around the city, taking the Bato Bus, buying books at a book store, buying baked goods, and then eating them in my underwear (it was so hot) sitting in the window of the hotel. A very good day.
When you feel incredibly sad, and incredibly lost, how can you begin the work of finding yourself again?
Go on the longest walk you’ve ever been on. Text three friends, you know the ones, and tell them how you feel. It can be long and gratuitous, just tell them the truth. When they offer to do something to help, do not protest. Let them love you in whatever way they see fit, because you trust them. You are now on Big Sad Watch™ which means you need to make SURE that you’re eating three meals a day even though you don’t want to and you’re not feeling hungry. Write how you’re feeling. Start with the details about what’s happened and go from there. Cry when you need to. When you laugh, make a mental note of it. Remind yourself it isn’t going to last forever, and do your best to believe it.
Describe your perfect day.
To me there’s normal perfect, and abnormal perfect. I’d like to go on record and say that my perfect day would be a big event like someone’s wedding (like my best friends Steph + Eric’s wedding that happened last October), or a day where you’re on vacation and it’s all leisure. Of course that’s a perfect day.
What’s more interesting to me is normal perfect day, and mine is as follows: Wake up next to Tucker, without an alarm, read for a while, then go to the coffee shop for a cappuccino where I see 15+ friends. Surprise! Someone has made both Pão de Queijo and chocolate chip cookies and brought them to the coffee shop to share. After we go get bagels or breakfast tacos for a late breakfast. After that we run some fun errands like going to a used book store, or an antique mall. We head home in time for an afternoon rest before an afternoon walk! Another surprise: a friend is on the trail and joins me! (Usually this friend is Jon Smalt!) Next we get ready for evening plans, a movie at a friend's house or a game night, or maybe we’re going out to a concert. On a perfect day, it is definitely someone’s birthday and I have the perfect present for them, gift wrapped. Home by 10:30 PM, two rounds of Fortnite with our friends in Boyz Nite, asleep by midnight.
Now that I write it out, this is basically how I spend most every Saturday.
These prompts were a balm to write and to answer with this newsletter in mind. Again, I am incredibly grateful for the space in these metaphorical pages to continue the work of self discovery in the ups and downs, and in the constantly evolving liminal spaces of life. This newsletter often feels like the place where I show my work, as I continue the path of being curious and open to the life I’m living. Thank you for indulging me and supporting me in this endeavor.
Thank you for reading. It means the world to me that you’d continue to extend the invite into your proverbial living room. The newsletter is my favorite place on the internet and I am consistently thrilled to learn that it means something to other people. If you want to support what I’m doing, here’s a little list of ways you can help out:
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