One Foot in Front of The Other

On Walking

I have talked at length here about loving something and letting yourself love it. I believe in fandom with my whole heart. It can be corrupted and toxic like anything else taken to the extreme, but for me one of the best parts of life is really, really liking something and letting it shape you in ways both big and small.

For me, this has somehow become my year of becoming a fan of movement in general.

I lived a pretty active out-and-about life in Austin. I was always on the move, or walking around and doing something somewhere. I was always on the go. I had very little chill. That had its own downfalls, but despite being self employed, I didn't spend most of my days in front of a computer. 

When I moved to Nashville I got a remote desk job, and for the first time in my life I began sitting in front of a computer for 40 hours a week.

It took some time to realize it, but the detriment to my body and my soul became overwhelming. I developed a pain in my left hip, and later an injury to my right knee. My anxiety got worse, and the depression that often follows suit did not relent.

When I quit that desk job at the beginning of the year I had hoped I’d be able to cultivate some sort of movement routine to help with the anxiety, depression and physical pain. I say I “hoped” here intentionally because I’ve had a complex relationship with exercise, as many of us have. 

I find it tough to share with accurate nuance how I’ve been feeling about movement. I have found it extremely difficult to have a positive relationship with exercise in general for most of my life for myriad reasons that I won’t go into here, because while this is a little bit about that, that’s not where I want to focus.

Instead, what I’d like to focus on is finding joy in a space you didn’t think was for you.

Earlier this summer, when my husband mentioned wanting to get into running, I thought it would be a good time to try and commit to something movement related because, to be totally honest, I didn’t want his success with something active to make me feel like shit about myself.

I had always loved swimming, and the YMCA pool was just opening, so it was an easy choice, really. I’d pack a bag and get in the pool when he went running at a nearby park. I, as you know if you’ve been around a while, fell completely in love with the pool. I would jog in the water for 45 minutes to an hour, and then I’d read in the sun and dry off. I’d do this as often as I could, sometimes 7 days a week, because it felt great. My anxiety levels also improved tremendously.

The pool closed for the season on Labor Day, and I needed to pivot to something else. I have a YMCA membership, but swimming in the highly chlorinated indoor pool 5 days a week seemed bad, and I am not super jazzed about the idea of workout classes just yet.

The answer was obvious: I needed to figure out a way to love walking as much as I love swimming, but the whole thing sounded unappetizing.

But, I decided I’d give it a try anyway.

I invested in a fitness tracker (A $99 fitbit! Nothing fancy!) and I decided to just go at my own pace and walk as slow as I needed to. I’d take breaks to read or listen to music or sit in the sun, and I’d try my best to make it as enjoyable as possible. I’d also anchor it to when Tucker went for runs, because for me the hardest part for me is deciding when to go. I have shocked myself with how far I’m able to walk, and how often I want to do it.

I’m not in the business of selling fitness trackers, but when I say that mine changed my life I mean it. As someone who tended to barely scratch 2000 or 3000 steps a day for the past 3 years, it has been so helpful to have a way to track it.

I have effectively turned myself into a Tamagotchi and it is so incredibly useful.

I’ve been aiming to walk 8,000-10,000 steps a day, which for me equates to three or four miles. I don’t do it every day, but I do it most days of the week. Even when I feel like I haven’t had a lot of motivation or I’m tired, I’m still going three or four times a week.

I either go for one big walk, or I’ll break up my workday and walk around the neighborhood surrounding my co-working space a couple times.

Each version of my daily walk is completely delightful.

Yesterday I went on a big walk at a park, and my headphones stopped working during the first quarter mile. I decided to just pocket them and keep going. It was completely immersive. I was walking along a trail system that runs by a river. The sun sparkled on the river. A very cute 8 month old dalmatian puppy tried to jump on me and say hi, much to its owners chipper disappointment. I was not bothered, but I didn’t want to get the dog into any trouble so I told her he was perfect and kept walking. 

I walked past the same pond twice. On the first pass there were three ducks splashing about, making a ruckus.

On the second pass there were eleven deer splashing through the water, eating tall grasses and drinking. They moved with some excitement because of the noise they were making, but with the same grace as usual. There were three bucks with big antlers. I watched them for a while with a woman around my age, who had long black hair and was wearing a pair of long Adidas shorts and a cropped band shirt. We didn’t say a word until we were off the trail, and then when we were we talked about how magical it was to have gotten to experience it together. 

Every runner I passed smelled like fabric softener with a hint of salt. No one smelled bad.

There were cold pockets throughout the trail that felt like walking under an air conditioning vent.

This morning I went on my first neighborhood walk for about twenty minutes. 

When I do these walks I use Little Free Libraries as destination points. I am outlawed from most book acquisitions because my to- read list is so full, but it’s fun to see what people are reading. Sometimes I even bring a couple books from home and walk them around to deposit. Today in a little free library covered in painted flowers, there was a copy of a book I put in there last week, only it wasn’t the same copy I had added. 

Orange leaves were falling on the street and it all looked so beautiful that it made me dread the naked trees of winter. I try to swat the negative part of that thought away, and just enjoy it for what it is.

A very friendly, cuddly gray cat with a tracker collar joins me for an entire block, occasionally pushing its head into my leg to get me to stop and pet it. I, of course, oblige.

I do it everyday, not because I want to get the steps in, but because I want to clear the mental space and feel capable. Every day is different, and there’s always something delightful on the walk. Making space for that feels like a gift. And in the meantime I’m finding what I’m capable of fascinating. It is a joy to be fascinated with myself in this regard.

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