Joy Where You Can Find It

Moving forward when your feet are sticky with grief.

Me with a copy of one of my favorite books bought used, upon realizing that there is an inscription in it that says “Interesting, but sad”— a perfect descriptor of my February. Taken the day after my grandmothers funeral, wearing the friendship bracelet I made her back in July.

I am in a season filled with grief, changed plans, holy shit moments, fear, and general sadness. It’s also been filled with a tremendous amount of white-knuckling it through big waves of bad feelings, and anxiety to boot. In short: I am going through it™ and there is no real end in sight because that’s how life works sometimes. I know all of this sounds like a bummer, but I am reminded of this idea that I turn over in my mind every once in a while: So much of life is navigating and experiencing pain, and the measure of a life well lived is not whether or not you can avoid pain, but how you manage it when it comes to visit.

As many moments as I’ve had crying until I gave myself a headache, or feeling totally lost, I’ve also had moments of joy. I find it remarkable that even in times of mourning, and grief, there is still joy. My husband has been incredibly intentional about making sure I find some joy daily, and he’s been very successful. The pain, the sadness, and the tears are all still there, still actively happening, but I am still finding things to smile about and enjoy.

Walks

I’ve been a walking fan for a while now, ever since my beloved swimming pool closed for the season at the end of last summer. When I began walking, I couldn’t really count on being able to walk more than a mile at a time, but now, thanks to logging many, many hours on my feet, I am regularly walking three or four miles a day. Amid everything, I have become more and more devoted to my walks.

Panera Bread

This one is laughable, but it’s true. The past couple of weeks have seen me in central Florida for a lot of the time because my mother has been in the hospital, and with this has been a return to the chain restaurants of my college years. Chain restaurants are mostly mediocre unless you have a love for them, but I have found that the nostalgia of spending my college mornings holed up at a Panera Bread with unlimited refills of coffee and a cinnamon crunch bagel still makes me love the place.

The Further Observations of Lady Whistledown

The day of my grandmother’s funeral I went back to her home and out of curiosity I thumbed through the books she was reading in the weeks before her passing. She was a devout lady of faith, who mostly read romance novels that were pure of heart, but in the pile, I found The Further Observations of Lady Whistledown, a book from the Bridgerton series. I cannot express to you how much it filled my heart with joy to know that my grandmother had read some of Bridgerton.

Ghosts UK

When I visit my Mom, Aunt + Uncle in Florida I am, of course, subject to their streaming services. In my house, we usually have all streaming services canceled unless something has come out that we want to watch, and we get the service it’s on for that month. My Aunt + Uncle have Peacock Plus and YouTube TV with access to some live TV. A couple of years ago Ghosts, the US version, was premiering on CBS and to get ready for this they were playing the British version as well. It was then I became hooked on Ghosts UK and every time I go to Florida I end each day by watching part of an episode before going to bed. Charlotte Richie and Kiell Smith-Bynoe, whom I know and love from Taskmaster, are at the helm and their comedy style is dry in a way that feels narcotic. The show is the perfect pace for me right now– there are no stakes and death isn’t forever. I find it so incredibly soothing.

Accepting Familial Love From My Friends

It’s no secret that I am obsessed with friendship and in particular my friends. I have the great gift of loving and being loved by some of the greatest people I have ever known. It’s always a gift, every day of the year. Over the past few weeks, I have had to open myself up to receiving care from my friends, something that has never come super easily to me. I flinch at the thought of needing support– I am much more comfortable being the shoulder to cry on, or the person showing up to help when something has gone wrong.

My friends were, of course, active and ready to be there to support me at any opportunity they could find. One friend took Tucker to the airport at 4 AM so that he could fly to meet me, another sent an Uber Eats gift card that fed us 4-5 meals we didn’t have to think about, and other friends sent money to help cover plane tickets. When my grandmother passed away, my husband was on a flight to Costa Rica for a work trip so one friend flew to meet me so that I didn’t have to go to my grandmother’s funeral alone and then she drove me back to Nashville. Another friend slept at my house two nights in a row and made sure I had breakfast each morning. It feels important to make note of these things, to call them out, and to remember that even during the worst grief I’ve ever experienced I still feel loved and held by the family of people I’ve chosen to surround myself with. It’s been overwhelming in a positive way to feel this love. I feel so incredibly lucky and it has made such a difference.

A Little Bit Better

Much of my life feels uncontrollable right now, something I don’t love. Oftentimes I feel like I’m just on this train that my grief is driving and I can’t get it to slow down enough for me to get out. Grief is not linear, of course. It zigs and zags. One piece of advice I’ve been clinging to, like Rose on that door-turned-makeshift-life-raft in Titanic, is making things one percent better. Even if it’s half a percent. What incremental thing can I do to find some joy today? Right now? What task needs doing? What can I uncomplicate? I’ve been making a list in the morning of a couple of things I know will improve my life. Tuesday it was: ship a package, break down the recycling, finish my book, send some emails, and sit by a fire outside. Yesterday it was: write this newsletter, stay off social media, go for a walk, make some plans with friends, and Milk Bar churro at Taco Bell. Today it is: send the newsletter, go for a walk, visit the print vending machine at Gift Horse, and tidy the living room. It’s a good way to exert some control and autonomy and remind myself that despite my sadness, I can still find some happiness too. It has helped tremendously.

How To Live When A Loved One Dies by Thich Nhat Hanh

I picked up this book the week after my grandmother passed away. For a few days I forgot that books about grief existed, and then when I recalled I could read about other people’s experiences with losing loved ones, I placed my order. This book is by far the best grief book I’ve picked up, but of course, I love Vietnamese monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh.

There are so many great nuggets of wisdom in this book, like when he suggests walking as a means to handle grief (something I have eagerly embraced) by saying

“Every step brings us home to the present moment, the only place where life is possible.”

And when he talks about accepting the help of friends and family during times of grief

“There are times when suffering is so great, it needs more than just one person to hold it.”

It feels like this book was written just for me, for exactly right now, and I am really grateful for it.

Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts

Last night my friends and I went to see the Oscar Nominated Animated Shorts, a tradition they’ve long held but I’ve never joined. When we got to the theater there were approximately 25 seats, and our friends held 14 of them. In total there were only six strangers in the theater, the rest I knew personally. Four of five of the shorts were brilliant, but my favorite was a short called Wander to Wonder which was about three characters from a children’s television show who are left behind when the show’s creator passes away. It is witty, charming, a bit unsettling, and a lovely meditation on the world that’s leftover when someone you love dies.

Doing it Now

Something I’ve experienced in the past few weeks is a lack of motivation when I’m not in absolute go mode. As life has begun to mellow for the time being, I’ve found that this general equalizer of motivation (my reframing of it) is something I can work with. It sounds strange, but instead of waiting for a moment when I’m ready to do something, I know that moment may likely never come so I just get up and do it anyway. It has been freeing in a way, because I’m able to get things done which ultimately helps me feel a little better. Again, it’s a small way I’m able to exert some control and autonomy as I am processing my grief and big feelings.

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My hope in penning this down is to share honestly about the disorienting nature of grief, and how much effort it takes to navigate through those early days. So many people I know have lost loved ones in the past week, even more so in the past months. It can feel incredibly isolating to sit with that level of intense heartbreak. It can feel like you’ll never return to the person you were before the loss. I have felt most like myself again when I have found camaraderie among those grieving, and when I have sat down to write. Though I may never return to the version of myself from February 1st, I am dedicated to caring for this version of me with walks, and British TV shows, hugging my friends, and saying yes when someone offers to bring over dinner or sit with me while I cry.

I will read the sad, sad books on death, and process how I’m feeling, and I will continue to share anything I find helpful.

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