If You’re Reading This I’m Burned Out
And what I'm doing about it besides being tired all the time.
As I’ve mentioned at length in other newsletters that have arrived at your doorstep, I am dealing with a great deal of burnout.
There are several reasons why, like the fact that I spent the better part of the last year working two jobs or the fact that in November and December my anxiety reached a high that I hadn’t seen in many years. It became very clear that it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue on in the way my course was set. I tried to do it all, and quickly it became clear that I couldn’t.
I’ve set major plans into motion already. I quit my agency job, and as counterintuitive as it sounds I launched myself back into a freelance career. So far my plans have included taking a sabbatical to Ontario and photographing a couple of very fun projects. It’s been blissful, honestly.
Burnout doesn’t seem to care that I’ve done these things. I spent most of my sabbatical more tired than I’ve ever felt in my life. Every night around 8:30 PM I’d start to doze on the couch and by 9 PM I was in bed. I’d read and chat with friends, falling in and out of sleep until 10:30 or so, and then I’d sleep until around 7 the next morning. The sleep was often fitful, and I didn’t wake up rested. I had nightmares that would cause me to wake up with my heart leaping out of my chest. I’d try and settle and go back to sleep, only to toss.
I am chalking all of this up to my body getting acclimated to a new pace of life. Before the transition I was terrified that I wouldn’t book work, and that somehow despite being solely freelance for 8 years prior to my last position, I wouldn’t be able to make it happen again. Thankfully, that hasn’t been the case so far. The jobs have begun to line up, and I’m feeling less nervous about that. I keep telling my friends that I think it’s all going to work, and while the anxiety is still present, I’m letting myself believe that it’s all in the process of working out.
There’s a real sense of wonder with this that I don’t want to lose sight of. Time is doing my favorite thing that time does, stretching out in front of me like a cat in the sun, expanding to make a little more space for me. I’m finding that I haven’t forgotten how to structure my life this way. I am finding that I can thrive here.
In the quiet moments, I can hear ideas bubbling up. Things to write, ways to offer what I’ve learned to the community at large in a consulting capacity, ideas that I want to photograph. I’m moving slow enough now that I have time to write them down. It feels like a tremendous gift.
I am feeling parts of myself come back though, albeit slowly. And now I rest, I build, I wait.
Yesterday I had some consulting sessions and a theme emerged when several people had the same question: how do I figure out who I am now? They were all asking it from different phases of life: after a breakup, after a career change, getting ready to submit a letter of resignation.
I’m no life coach, but it felt serendipitous because I am at this crossroads myself, trying to answer this question with everything I am putting into motion.
What kind of life is it that I get to build?
I think the life I want to make feels like sitting in the sunshine. There’s no rushing. I am able to quiet my anxiety with the tools in my toolkit. I don’t wake up with nightmares and I’m able to sleep through the night. My friendships, as they have been for some time now, are at the center. I have the time and energy I need to say an enthusiastic yes when asked to hang out. I am making things that I want to make, not to sell, but because I want to call them into being. This includes sewing projects and ceramics, maybe even learning to do small watercolor sketches. Tucker and I get to continue working on the house, and finish framing the closet and window in my office. We host friends over for dinner as often as possible, weekly would be good. My work is challenging enough, and fulfilling. It is interesting above all else, and it feels good. I get to work with lovely people, and help them tell their lovely stories. And I get to write parts of my own story here, with you, twice a week.
This is the life I am hellbent on building. I’m so glad you’re here with me. I’ll see you on Friday.
Speaking of burnout, here are some tools I’ve been utilizing that are getting me through.
Books:
How To Do Nothing by Jenny Odell
Can't Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation by Anne Helen Petersen
Enchantment: Awakening Wonder in an Anxious Age by Katherine May
Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
Practices:
Getting outside daily for 30-45 minutes at least.
Touching grass.
Writing how I feel out by hand.
Lots and lots of sleep.
Journaling Prompts
What are some things that I would do with a free hour that would be both relaxing and recharging?
Do an inventory of your day. Circle what’s causing the most stress. What can you do about it? What can be changed to alleviate that stress?
How do I rest best?
Use the most descriptive language possible to talk about how you feel. The weirder the better.
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Love you friend ❤️