A schmear in review.
fanny brice, crying over naked trees, 2020 redux, and what I hope to see out of 2022.
Instagram BiosÂ
I change my Instagram bio a lot more than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I’ll stumble upon the perfect word or phrase that feels like mine and I will desperately need to put it out in the universe as my own. It makes me feel seen and known in some sort of very internetty way that you might understand if you’ve spent any of your life online. Similar to the joy of changing your away message on AIM to . One time a fellow fat gal, and fashion blogger lovingly linked to me as having ‘small titties and a fat ass’ in an Instagram round-up based on body shape and I got a thousand Instagram followers in 24 hours. I wore it as a badge of honor and it made something I had felt insecure about (my small chest) feel mine again.
Last week, after years of somehow sidestepping it, I watched Funny Girl for the first time.Â
And amid Fanny Brice losing and finding herself again, she said something that touched my heart specifically and left me giggling to myself as I pulled up The Appâ„¢ and tippy typed it right into my Instagram bio.
It felt like finding a small piece of myself again during a year where I’ve felt so far from myself.Â
2021
The truth is, this year was hard.Â
When I try and write about it I feel foggy and at a loss for words.Â
Two days ago I sat on the couch in our living room and looked out at the trees and just cried because I wanted so badly for them to have leaves on them, and I knew that I’d be staring at them for months waiting for the leaves to come back.Â
I think that sums it up.Â
I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I’ve slowed down enough to anticipate the changing of the seasons after a period of being busy busy busy and waiting for the next big thing.
I uprooted my entire life to move to Nashville, buy a house, be closer to family and friends who feel like family, and slow down. After 11 years of self-employment, I got my first in-house job to make getting a mortgage easier.
A year ago today I had no clue that I would be buying a house or getting a job. We had a goal moving date but that was it. Only our closest friends knew we were moving. I just knew that I didn’t want to work as hard as I had, and I knew I wanted to find a place to put down roots.
And this all happened because in 2020 I learned how to not work. I was forced. It was all taken away from me in March. I went from booking more work than I ever had in February, to having $14,000 worth of work cancel in one day. I spent the next few months waiting for the world to change back to some semblance of normalcy and it never did.
This year, I have learned to slow down by choice, though every bone in my body resists it. My life is slower, now. I drink my coffee, and watch the birds fly around my back yard and wonder worry about whether or not I’m getting old. I learned to enjoy cooking this year. I stopped worrying about booking, and personal significance, and what I’d post next on the internet. I am resting in a deep part of my soul. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic, or the big life changes, or turning 31 or all of it together, but my capacity is diminished and I am a big soupy mess of feelings. Nothing gets held in anymore. I cry a lot and I think, for me, that’s a logical reaction to this year and the one prior.
I have cried more tears this year over the girl I was at the end of 2019 than anything else.Â
I’ve learned so much about her in the past two years. I know that she was overworked and drowning in trying to figure out whether or not she’d ever feel successful. She was on the verge of breaking apart at any moment. She was at NYFW and shooting campaigns for big brands (and so happy to do it) and speaking at conferences in Toronto She traveled a lot. She was all over the place, and her life was moving fast. She was barely hanging on, and she was unraveling slowly.
Some days, though, I miss her. She was finally figuring out how to be happy. She was tremendously successful, and she was along for the ride.Â
I know that she is me. Even now I feel deep happiness, and joy that resonates into my bones and I know it’s because of the work she was doing on herself. But I can’t help feeling like one of the things the pandemic cost me was her trajectory.
In August I broke down in a big way one day because I felt lost. Far, far away from myself with no map back. In the months since I realize it was the drop-off after the adrenaline of buying a house in secret, planning a cross-country move, and then moving away from a place that I love dearly. After that was done I threw myself into renovating and there was no time to breathe, or mourn, or wonder about the parts of me that changed and got lost in the process.Â
I don’t have any regrets. It all feels right, still.Â
What I do have is an understanding of a new depth of myself that is not happy all the time. I don’t feel the need to figure it all out because I know I can’t.Â
One of the last journal entries I have from before the move says ‘Just let go, and feel it. However you feel is the correct way to feel. There’s a reason people don’t move away in their thirties. This is going to be hard, and emotional. You are going to cry a lot. And then when you get there you’re going to cry some more. You feel big things. So be present with those big feelings. Let them wash over you.’Â
I am ending this year with no real resolutions. There are just things that I can see in my future, as an extension of who I already am and have been becoming since 2019 and further back.Â
I will continue to feel my big feelings. I will continue to learn to love myself more and like myself more too. I will fall in love with Nashville. I will continue to build a home. I’ll do a lot of DIY projects. I will also just sit around a lot. I’ll watch birds and plant seeds. I’ll sit in the sun and drink water. I’ll watch too many movies and read some books too. I will learn to make pasta from scratch and I will keep trying new recipes. I will cry a lot over how beautiful things are and how terrible things are and when things are too bad, I will ask for help.Â
It may not sound like much, but in 2022 all I want to be is more myself.Â
Some links…
I finally caved and bought the Kitchen Aid pasta attachments and I am planning lots of pasta very soon. I can’t help but think this was influenced by the love of all of our pasta lives, Laura Delarato of Hey Laura.
This year I gave out a lot of games as Christmas presents. I felt like we could all use a little bit more fun in our lives. Think lots of puzzles like these beautiful ones from Piecework (20% off today if you’re in the market!), Phase 10 (my best friend’s favorite game) and Anomia (always a hit at a party.)
As I was writing this I got a notification that the beloved queen of funny girls everywhere, our collective grandmother, and the national treasure that is Betty White has passed away. I honored her by watching her Screen Actor’s Guild Lifetime Achievement presentation, and I think you should too. May we all keep people laughing for 99 years, and exit stage right with perfect comedic timing.
Lately, all I want to buy is very soft, very warm clothes. I snagged this Sherpa Pullover from Land’s End. Go buy it. Thank me later. Available in straight sizes and plus sizes.
Okay, so… hear me out. Fran Tirado of Fran’s Joy Digest posted about Rakuten as a way to get cash back from online purchases, and I signed up and it honestly kicks ass. You can use this link to get $30 cash back (I’ll get $30 too!) if you’re into that kind of thing.
Well hi! You’ve made it this far! Thank you for supporting me by subscribing to this newsletter and sharing it with your friends. It means the world to me that you’d continue to invite me into your internet living room.Â
Let’s say for a second that you like what you see here and want to continue the support. In that case, you can do one or more of the following:
Forward this email to a few friends who would dig it.
Buy me a coffee.
Follow me on Instagram and share my work there.
Hire me to write for your publication!
