A little bit of everything
Solitude! Starting a garden from seeds! Hockney! Oh my!
David Hockney’s The Entrance, 2019, acrylic on two canvases, 36 in by 96 in overall
I hail from North Carolina, born to a mother who loves to micro-manage. The way that she shows care is through reminding me of things that might hurt me and making sure that I am aware of what I should be aware of.
Growing up she was my best friend until the teenage years hit and then she wasn’t anymore. I was angry and her care felt like a police helicopter buzzing overheard that I couldn’t escape. My own anxiety was propagated and fed by her anxiety and it was kicking into full gear. Her constant warnings of ‘keep your money pinned inside your underwear’ or ‘don’t go out after dark’ or ‘don’t trust people’ were enough to drive a wedge when accompanied by my own angst. You see, I was naturally a curious child, who loved people and going out after dark and running amuck with my money thrown wildly into the air.
I was also an only child who spent a lot of my childhood feeling a little bit lonely and wishing for a sibling. This loneliness, combined with my anxiety and fear made it so that, up until a few years ago, I loathed -and feared- being alone.
This is also a good time to mention: I have never really lived alone. I moved from my parents house, to college with my best friend, to a house with 8 people living in it, to an apartment with my husband and into several houses often shared with my best friend as well as Tucker, my husband.
But then a therapy session unpacking my fear of the untimely death of everyone I know, my therapist pointed out to me that I needed to build up my relationship to solitude. This was her very kind and poignant way of telling me I was codependent. She recommended that I read Codependent No More and start a habit of spending time alone in new places, first sending me to LA to redeem two free nights of a hotel stay at The Line that I’d won in an instagram giveaway.
It was there that I began to discover how much I liked spending time by myself, in my own thoughts— something I had always been afraid of. Over the course of several trips hinged upon building my relationship with solitude, I began to cherish time spent with myself.
But during 2020, and the first part of the pandemic, I lost a sense of that. I began to cling to my husband and my best friend, and during the days I’d busy myself with anything until they’d get back to me. I did not feel safe and I needed anything that gave me a sense of safety.
And then we moved to Nashville, and then Tucker got a new job that requires him to travel, and then Stephanie moved into her own place and then, all of a sudden, it was time for me to reclaim my solitude.
The Monday before last I dropped him off at the airport at the end of the workday and I came to a big empty (only partially finished) house. I watched the Sex and The City Movie, and much to my surprise I fell asleep peacefully.
I kept telling myself the same thing, over and over again: ‘you like spending time with you.’
And I do, I thrive on time alone and I so rarely get it. So I tried my best, even when I got lonely or scared. I also tried not to spend too much time on my phone numbing out from the world around me, and instead I just started busying myself. I cooked, I unpacked boxes, I cleaned things, I baked. I tended to the garden and got to see a baby tomato begin on a plant I thought was dead. It was joyful and relaxing, and finally I got the space I needed to breathe and then to write.
It feels like, in a lot of ways, that my journey to Tennessee has been a journey back to parts of myself. It all feels familiar, and at the same time new— but isn’t that all of life? Doesn’t all of life sparkle with both familiarity and newness if you’re looking at it the right way? I’m working on being happy to be here, in my body, in my house, in a new place — honoring that everything is always in progress even if it has the illusion of being completed.
A few things…
I’m reading… Spring Cannot Be Cancelled by David Hockney and Martin Gayford and it feels, as its title suggests, like springtime. It was written during the height of the 2020 pandemic. I recently became very interested in David Hockney, as you might remember from past emails.
I’m growing… plants from seeds is one of the most exciting, roller coasters of an experience. A hot tip: you can start seedlings in egg shells! This week I planted dino kale, flashy butter lettuce, basil, cucumbers, broccoli and bunching onions.
I’m happy about… the upcoming changing of the season from late Summer to early Fall. I am very excited to see the yard change colors.
I’m evaluating… my relationship with social media. Like I always am. Like we all are. This week I am off completely.
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