4:45 PM

embracing the darkness or not, who can say at this point?

This is our first week in the darkness, where we will spend the following months (until March 11th, to be exact) watching the sun go down from our desks as we finish our work for the day. Something I didn't understand when I moved to Tennessee is that the winter is marked by a sunset that happens as early as 4:32 PM each year. Because we are in Central time zone but so close to the Eastern Continental Divide, we get an earlier sunset. This means that our shortest day of the year has 4 hours and 55 minutes less Daylight than our longest day. If you're situated squarely in a time zone, your sunset likely occurs around 5:30 or so today.

I have this thing where I reminisce fondly over the things in my life that made me miserable when they were happening. Less in a macabre way and more in an aside from the part that was really bad I survived and good stuff also happened kind of way.

There may be ties to childhood behind this door, and one day when the sun is not setting at 4:45 PM, I may knock.

Because of this inclination, I have been excited for the winter months, despite how I spent last winter barely unable to function because of a deep seasonal depression that washed over me. This deep well of discontent was caused by the change in the weather, a garden failure, house projects going awry, and the fact that I was newly living in a place I didn't know and navigating 4 of my first months here in the darkness. All I wanted was to stay inside, make no plans, and see no one, and mostly, that's what I did. That pushed me further into the sadness.

Needless to say, I've spent the past month wondering how I'd take the first sign of the winter slog, and now without warning, I am here, in it. Rain is falling relentlessly outside our window, and it's looked like twilight since the sun peaked over the horizon at 6:19 AM.

After Daylight was done getting Saved on Sunday, Tucker and I had the most beautiful day. He bought a smoker, and we spent the day getting acclimated to it. We've been hosting people at our house at least once a week, sometimes two or three times, and it seemed like a perfect investment to feed our friends, family, and the occasional musicians passing through something fantastic. He also wanted to smoke stuff for our annual Friendsgiving, so after he obsessed over it for 48 hours, I told him to press purchase. While he smoked a rack of ribs from our meat CSA and 10 pounds of chicken to break it in and learn how to use it, I worked in the garden. I cleared a bed, layered in leaves and compost in 3/4 of it, and planted a cover crop. In the remaining section and a few smaller planters, I also amended the soil. The sunset took me by surprise, and by 4:30, we were losing light. We scrambled to get the garlic I had spent all day painstakingly preparing in the ground. Had it not been for the friends who had come over to collect dinner, the sadness probably would have gotten to me immediately. But thankfully, there was a reminder ready for me if I could hear it: I can still do the things I love in the darkness and wade through my feelings and find some joy.

There's something delightful about being able to be present and unintimidated by the darkness, and that's my aim this year. I don't have to love it; that's not the goal. I hope to continue to live my life in a way that pleases me with all the hours of the day, not just when the sun is shining. 

This week has been full of ups and downs, and I am adjusting, but I've decided that this winter, I will give myself permission to be present with however I'm feeling. I'm going to try not to numb out through the distractions that I have trained myself to pick up when I'm sad, but if I do, I will consider that part of the process too.

I've decided to make a little bucket list for myself of the things I'm going to do this winter and throw myself into them. I love to make things, so I'm going to spend the winter making things. Here's a short list of things I'm going to make:

• some sort of jam as a present for our Friendsgiving attendees.

• lots of candles.

• tons of garlands for all over the house. pom poms and dried citrus come to mind.

• mocktails galore— lately I've been loving a guava kombucha and pineapple juice spritzer! I'm going to figure out some wintry ones too.

• more jam, most likely. more candles too.

• hopefully, a quilt. I have some fabric from my grandmother that I would love to make a quilt out of.!

• making (and collecting) seasonal decor that can be used year after year. 

• we're going to frame out my new closet and finish my office this winter

• we're also going to build our game table/breakfast nook in our living room.

• decorating the dining room and getting it more settled before the wall between it and the kitchen comes down.

• dreaming about the spring garden, making plans, and figuring out exactly how we're going to expand it!

What would be on your winter bucket list? Any new skills or hobbies you want to learn? I'd love to hear.

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• I am painstakingly obsessing over whether or not I need these Holiday Rocks and Champagne Glasses from Neiman Marcus that Jessica Hische designed. They are expensive, but they would make me so happy each year when I pulled them out. I’ll be surprised if I get through today without pressing buy.

• My friend Devon Gilfillian just released the most wonderful cover of Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) and I just listened to it for the first time and cried all the way through. It’s my favorite Christmas song. I am elated.

• I’m pouring over my cookbooks trying to figure out what jam to make and thought I’d share my favorite canning book I’ve purchased: The All New Ball Book of Canning. It’s a classic and the most extensive in terms of learning how to can and preserve food. It also has really fun and exciting recipes, something I didn’t expect!

• Speaking of books, I picked up Darling Days by iO Tillett Wright. My toxic trait is that when someone recommends a book, I will likely buy it and forget who recommended it. If you recently read it you’re probably the reason I picked it up. So far it’s brilliantly written and I can tell it’s going to make me cry to the brink of not being able to breathe at some point.

  

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